blowing off some steam

Well were to start today it was a long ride home it only takes about ten minutes but when your upset like I was today it seem much longer. I hate being this way up and down all the time most of the time I'M fine but here lately its been getting harder to keep my composer hell if the wind blows the wrong way I want to fall apart but I cant to many people depend on me staying somewhat normal. I know that I need meds bad but right now I don't have the money or insurance to pay for it. I don't think that I've been this low for a long time and that's what makes it even worse I have friends and family who need me to be strong yet I feel so weak. I didn't make it all the way to my vehicle after work before the tears started there I said it. I lost it and cant hold back things any longer and stuff just comes out I know I feel like such a puss when it happens but at the same time if someone said that to me it would be a fight. Hell I use to like to fight but I made a promise not to anymore so I make sure not to put my self in that kind of spot if i have to i will. I have some good friends who might under stand but I hate being manic so much that I don't tell anyone because I don't want there pitty I don't need it. I don't what I need except for meds to keep me straight. I'M so mixed up right now I don't know what to do or who to say some things to because I worry what they might think of me, like he might go postal or something like that but truth be know most of my rage is directed in wards on my self most of the time thought this might help me to get thing out off my chest but I really don't feel any better now the tears are not flowing so that's good but I still have so much to say to so many people I guess ill start with I'M SORRY I feel like I have stepped on so many toe and said the wrong this to so many people when I get down like this that ill never be able to make it right anyway. until next time later me