lookhere

lookhere
well i hope this works its been a while again i dont know what to say right now and for me thats not the norm i always have something to say my head is about to explode its not anyones fault but my own we all control our thoughts and actions we cant blame someone else if we are mad becouse we alowe our selfs to get mad or for things to get on our nearves and right now me haveing thoughts and feelings that i cant express hurts it driving me crazy hell i talk all the time about almost anything but i have the most troulbe with getting whats in my head out some times i know that im just haveing a bad spell right now and it will pass in time but at the same time im hurting my freinds and family around me and that makes things worse they try to under stand and help and thats a good thing well im going to stop now and try to think of how to explain how i feel in my head and maybe that will help me and the people around me later

a bad day

well where to began first i had to work with a person (i use that word litely) tonight at work that does not like me and i don't like them for most of the night changing things around i had to listen to them complain about all sorts of people including me then this after noon we get a call from my in laws telling us that they got are 12 year old daughter a cell phone and we cant take it a way as punishment or as leverage as they sad once again i cant say anything because we owe them so much it is driving me crazy i don't know how much longer i can hold my tongue about all of the bullshit that i have to deal with from them holding eveything over our heads i know that they have helped a lot and i am grateful for that but it seem like there help comes with strings back after we got married we had to go and listen to them fuss and chew us out about how we don't do anything and if I had called him an asshole like i did my mothers husband then he would kick my as up between my shoulder blades and i had take it now i just had a fight with my wife about it im am just so pissed off right now i want to hurt someone really badly i thought that family helped family because of love not to hold it over there heads as leverage i am grateful for all the help they have given us because my family has not help as much maybe they are not able to or they just don't know because I don't tell them some time your life is privet and you don't want every one to know that you cant handle everything that is thrown at you all the time now im getting depressed about things and the worst part is that things have been going better between me and the wife there lately because im making an effort like i told someone else to do it is so easy to give advise but hard to take it i just want to scream and then go away because through my eye i seem to cause pain and hurt the one i love oh im good at putting on a mask and hiding it most of the time but not all of the time it like a dam that is about to over flow and you just have to release some pressure so the dam doesn't break god i hate my self right mow one day thing will be better is what i keep telling my self but i don't know right now i feel like i did when i was in high school and the best answer looked like taking my self out was the best answer i know its not but right now that's how i feel like every one around me would be better off with out me making a mess of things for them but no i have to be strong for the people a round me need me to be what would my youngest grow up thinking about her dad that he was a coward and would not fight for her and just gave up one day because that was the easy way out well im out of here for mow my hand hurt from typing so much later