lookhere

lookhere
well i hope this works its been a while again i dont know what to say right now and for me thats not the norm i always have something to say my head is about to explode its not anyones fault but my own we all control our thoughts and actions we cant blame someone else if we are mad becouse we alowe our selfs to get mad or for things to get on our nearves and right now me haveing thoughts and feelings that i cant express hurts it driving me crazy hell i talk all the time about almost anything but i have the most troulbe with getting whats in my head out some times i know that im just haveing a bad spell right now and it will pass in time but at the same time im hurting my freinds and family around me and that makes things worse they try to under stand and help and thats a good thing well im going to stop now and try to think of how to explain how i feel in my head and maybe that will help me and the people around me later

a bad day

well where to began first i had to work with a person (i use that word litely) tonight at work that does not like me and i don't like them for most of the night changing things around i had to listen to them complain about all sorts of people including me then this after noon we get a call from my in laws telling us that they got are 12 year old daughter a cell phone and we cant take it a way as punishment or as leverage as they sad once again i cant say anything because we owe them so much it is driving me crazy i don't know how much longer i can hold my tongue about all of the bullshit that i have to deal with from them holding eveything over our heads i know that they have helped a lot and i am grateful for that but it seem like there help comes with strings back after we got married we had to go and listen to them fuss and chew us out about how we don't do anything and if I had called him an asshole like i did my mothers husband then he would kick my as up between my shoulder blades and i had take it now i just had a fight with my wife about it im am just so pissed off right now i want to hurt someone really badly i thought that family helped family because of love not to hold it over there heads as leverage i am grateful for all the help they have given us because my family has not help as much maybe they are not able to or they just don't know because I don't tell them some time your life is privet and you don't want every one to know that you cant handle everything that is thrown at you all the time now im getting depressed about things and the worst part is that things have been going better between me and the wife there lately because im making an effort like i told someone else to do it is so easy to give advise but hard to take it i just want to scream and then go away because through my eye i seem to cause pain and hurt the one i love oh im good at putting on a mask and hiding it most of the time but not all of the time it like a dam that is about to over flow and you just have to release some pressure so the dam doesn't break god i hate my self right mow one day thing will be better is what i keep telling my self but i don't know right now i feel like i did when i was in high school and the best answer looked like taking my self out was the best answer i know its not but right now that's how i feel like every one around me would be better off with out me making a mess of things for them but no i have to be strong for the people a round me need me to be what would my youngest grow up thinking about her dad that he was a coward and would not fight for her and just gave up one day because that was the easy way out well im out of here for mow my hand hurt from typing so much later

hey

hey its me again not a hole lot to say to day I have a friend who is having some problems and I gave him some advice and I hope it will work out for him he has not been married as long as me and they are fighting me and the wife fight about things off and on but that's life marriage is work I know after 9 years and a bunch of kids its not easy I hope that they will listen and hear what each other has to say and work this out for the best luckily I have not been envovled in an thing like this with my wife I know I bitch about my wife to my friends all the time so where to go from here is the big question for them I know he loves her and wants her to be happy so I said talk about it try to put her first make her feel special and make time for her and you to do something alone that she likes to do where you like it or not why are women so complicated and men we are so simple we say what we mean most of the time woman don't they exept us to figure it out then get mad when we don't like earlier to day I was going over what I have wrote in the past and she said "9 year and all you have learned is that IM always right then you need to be retrained" what is that supposed to mean women are supposed to train there man to be good I don't think so any way IM out of here until next time

blowing off some steam

Well were to start today it was a long ride home it only takes about ten minutes but when your upset like I was today it seem much longer. I hate being this way up and down all the time most of the time I'M fine but here lately its been getting harder to keep my composer hell if the wind blows the wrong way I want to fall apart but I cant to many people depend on me staying somewhat normal. I know that I need meds bad but right now I don't have the money or insurance to pay for it. I don't think that I've been this low for a long time and that's what makes it even worse I have friends and family who need me to be strong yet I feel so weak. I didn't make it all the way to my vehicle after work before the tears started there I said it. I lost it and cant hold back things any longer and stuff just comes out I know I feel like such a puss when it happens but at the same time if someone said that to me it would be a fight. Hell I use to like to fight but I made a promise not to anymore so I make sure not to put my self in that kind of spot if i have to i will. I have some good friends who might under stand but I hate being manic so much that I don't tell anyone because I don't want there pitty I don't need it. I don't what I need except for meds to keep me straight. I'M so mixed up right now I don't know what to do or who to say some things to because I worry what they might think of me, like he might go postal or something like that but truth be know most of my rage is directed in wards on my self most of the time thought this might help me to get thing out off my chest but I really don't feel any better now the tears are not flowing so that's good but I still have so much to say to so many people I guess ill start with I'M SORRY I feel like I have stepped on so many toe and said the wrong this to so many people when I get down like this that ill never be able to make it right anyway. until next time later me

me again martha

well im back for another post of me just bitching about life and how it sucks to be me no money no time no life i dont have a lot to say just trying to post every couple of days to try to keep my sanity with all of the bullshit going on around here all the time evryone is getting onb my nerves right now i just want to crawl under a rock and hide that way i dont bather anyone and the ones bugging me wont be bathering me any more a freind of mine had a good idea he told me i should open up my own resterant becouse i like to cook and i use tobe good at it when i waas younger im not bad now just a little out of pratice anyway entell next time me

back again

well its its been a long time since ive been here to write not to say that i dont have to say i just dont have the time. well for to day im going to start with woman, dont get me wrong i love them i just dont under stand there code that they speak in, men are simple we say what we mean, no not woman the have this code that we as men have to figer out. now ive been married for 9 years as of june 7 2006 and the only thing that i have learned in that time is im wrong and she is right all the time no matter what it is. i know that im not that old only in my 30s but with a bunch of kids i feel older every day. im sure some guy will read this and say something like i dont know what im talking about but if yall knew all of the stuff i have been going through lately you would uder stand why i say we need to go back to the old ways where woman and kids were seen not heard and men were men we got to go and kill thing and get drunk at the local saloon and get into a fight with out any problems from are woman about it. i love my wife alot but some time i just want her to shut up and listen and hear what i say not just let it go in one ear and outthe other anyway im out of here for now be back later me

from my baby girl